Preview: One bonerific hour with Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
Take one open world first-person shooter. Infuse it with neon and a banging retro styled soundtrack. Grab an iconic linchpin of 80s action movies, knowingly take the piss and you’ve got Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
I’ve made no secret of my love affair with Far Cry 3. The combat and open-ended approach to gameplay just resonated with me. It consumed my every waking minute. I just couldn’t put it down and was hungry for more. This dripping in 1980s stand alone homage is almost everything I could have possibly asked for in a video game. So much so in fact I almost felt like the entire experience was tailor made just for me.
If you are even slightly intrigued and/or aroused by the sex on legs one-sheet poster over to the right, (seriously why wouldn’t you be?) then you’ll want to put aside around twenty of your hard earned bucks in preparation and keep on reading.
This article is a wee snippet, but a taste of what’s in store for you once the complete package (no, I’m not talking about my junk) drops on May 1st. I was going to wait until then to give you my full unadulterated review, but this shit is just too damned awesome. I had to shout about it out from the rooftops, so here we go.
See the shiny garishly dressed neon-clad douche-nozzles in the screen above? Well these cybernetically enhanced pricks have designs on taking over the world. Only one thing stands in their way. You. You are Sergeant Rex Colt: Mark IV Cyber Commando (voiced by action icon Michael ‘Terminator, Aliens, why the fuck wasn’t I in Alien 3’ Biehn). You, and only you can storm the island which they claim as their own, bitch-slap them into submission, get the girl and save the world.
Utilising all of your cyber-abilities and harnessing the awesome power of the 1980s you will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of Vietnam War 2 and the Apocalypse to spank these puppies and send them back to momma with their tail between their legs. You’ll fight waves of cyber-commandos like yourself. You’ll carve a path through mutated mad scientists, fight frikken sharks with frikken laser beams and go head to head with Blood Dragons so vicious you’ll shit yourself into a whole new cyborg body. True story.
After a gloriously tongue in cheek tutorial while you’re still reeling from the Predator inspired opening you get with the cyborg killing. Far Cry 3 veterans will be in heaven. It all feels and plays exactly the same. Well, with a few minor differences. All your guns have a laser beamed edge to them. The shotgun is magnificent as you hold it across your forearm and reload with a flourish ‘Arnie’ style (see below) and you wield a light katana. Also, you’ll be harvesting your enemies’ hearts and yeah, you’ll be facing off against Blood Dragons, hence the title of the freakin’ game.
After decimating with extreme prejudice the initial compound, complete with mad scientist bunkers and multi-level walkways ripe for leaping attacks from above (a marked improvement in design over those seen in Far Cry 3), you’ll move on to the meat and potatoes of this opener. Can you say an expansive field housing three gigantic Blood Dragons leading on to an military installation? No seriously, can you? Like three times fast? Sounds like a piece of cake, right?
While the in game advisor may have suggested a quiet stealthy approach as to not attract the Blood Dragons who are fiendishly sensitive to sound, I went in a whole different direction. Laughing maniacally and squealing like a little girl simultaneously, I ran like I’d just stole something right past three slumbering, now awakened Blood Dragons. Hooting like Woody Woodpecker and praying to every deity I could think of I made it to an over-watch tower, callously (read flukily) dispatched the half a dozen troops lying in wait and thanked my lucky stars. But it wasn’t over yet.
The compound sprang to life. Cyber-dudes crawled out of every single nook, cranny and orifice (can compounds even have those?) hell-bent on my death, destruction and possibly eyeing off my spiffy cyber-junk. Hey, the tech guys spared no expense on my ‘prosthetics’. As luck would have it, the Blood Dragons picked that exact moment to strike. As Omega’s whiny little cyber-bitches were dodging incoming fire courtesy of my bow and arrow they were rendered limb from metal limb by these merciless unholy monstrosities, who then turned their full and undivided attentions onto me.
And that’s where my story ends, kids… for now.
For more Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon stay tuned. My full review will hit a week from now.