Opinion: Zombies will always be sexy (in an unsexy kinda way)

Once upon a time it used to mean something to say you were a geek. What was once whispered in mother’s basements in hushed tones and only ever declared on the street as loudly as a Boba Fettian nod or a casual Vulcan Salute while scratching one’s head is now a point of pride. We geeks were a secret majority, outcast by mainstream conventions and media but we made our peace with that. Nowadays we can walk down the street with novelty Hulk fists held high and no-one bats an eyelid.

The secret majority is now the common preponderance, and we are no longer restricted to nighttime movements/collaboration and staying tucked away during the days. But as with the popularisation of anything, it is not without its inherent flaws.

Horror films and games have now left the fertile fields of niche geek culture and are now considered mainstream items, which changes their very composition. Monsters, zombies and vampires are no longer creatures that only geeks can profess to loving and, mores the pity, one of those fabled three has been forever tainted by its recent rise in popularity.

I talk, of course, of the vampire which, apparently, isn’t a definition limited to an immortal creature that stalks prey, sucks necks and is turned to ash when caught in sunlight. Unfortunately, the definition for vampire has seemingly been extended to an immortal creature that stalks young girls (who paradoxically find that attractive), sucks something infinitely less politically correct than one’s neck and sparkle when caught in the sunlight. I could argue until I’m blue in the face that this latter ‘quality’—and I use the term very loosely—means that these so-called vampires are, in fact, not vampires at all.

But the reality of the situation is the damage has been done. The term vampire now relates to Tinkerbell the Tinsel Town Twilight princesses as well as those that are more of the Dracula variety. Fight as much as I may, I can’t change how the term has been hijacked and reappropriated.

And while part of my heart breaks at the loss of such a beloved creature of the night, another part rejoices for the increased love and, dare I say it, security for my love of zombies. Y’see, as hard as some unpopular high school chick turned author may be able to inject all of her sordid desires into a vampire—which have always had a large amount of sexuality involved in their mythology—even the most depraved and romance-deprived person would strive to make zombies sexy. (Note to readers, for the love of all things holy, please don’t take that as a challenge.)

And this is exactly the reason why vampire purists can safely fall in love with the sexless appeal of zombies. Hell, it even makes zombies sexy knowing that they’ll never be tainted in the ways that vampires have been. So in the wake of this zombie uprising we’re currently viewing/gaming through, where people are asking how many zombie hordes is one horde too many, I say there is no such thing.

I lost countless hours to Left 4 Dead, sunk way too many hours into World at Wars Zombie maps, suffered lovingly through the censoring of Left 4 Dead 2 and had a helluva time with Dead Rising 2. Black Ops has finally hit stores and I can’t wait to sink my plastic vampire teeth into the insurmountable odds of the next level of Nazi Zombies.

It used to be that when all of hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth. Nowadays, it’s more along the lines of when vampires are pussies and ghosts are sex symbols, zombies can and always will be able to hold your faith in their endurance. That is, of course, until you inject a healthy dose of buckshot into their head. Viva la Zombies!

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  • QuesterX

    Challenge Accepted.

  • QuesterX

    sorry that last post was made halfway through.

    Zombies are hella overdone and boring. Where vampires have depth to their character (such as untold ages of living and breathing through a changing world, adaptation, intelligence) and as such can be used to actually TELL a story, zombies are… zombies. Each zombie is indistinguishable from the last. Zombie games (in italics) have always been the same; ‘shoot em in the head or get bit duuurrrrrrr’, that is until Left 4 Dead gave us the Leaping Frog of Doom and Friends.

    I agree that its pretty cool that you can’t change zombies. But its also incredibly limiting and boring to the point of nausea that you can’t change zombies. Just because you put a cricket bat in my hand and say ‘look, now you have a cricket bat’ doesn’t mean I am going to coo with delight and get back to clicking my mouse! (not a euphemism Dave)

    Sure there have been some pretty cool attempts to change the fast decaying and overweight genre – Left 4 Dead, Shaun of the Dead, but even the stories of the survivors are all the same! A bleeding heart story begins to lack poignancy when you have heard it for the billionth time and, just as with the other 999,999,999 its springing from a totally fictional and unbelievable premise.

    So, to sum, I don’t agree.

  • Anonymous

    So what I hear you saying is that you like Twilight.

  • QuesterX

    I got nothing.